life according to me

life according to me

Weigh-In Methodology: 101

 

 

 

 

 

Well, it was weigh-in Tuesday this morning and I’ll confess to being open minded about the results Thinner had for me. And while I’m on my knees, I have another confession to make. I always weigh on Monday morning so that I’m prepared for Tuesday. How ridiculous is that? You know, like, I might be less morose or on the verge 24 hours later or something.

Take into consideration the shenanigans that go on with my weighing-in methodology:

Before beginning, remove heavy items of bed time attire: (slippers, pajama bottoms and sweatshirt)

1) Gingerly step onto the scale making sure there is no jolt up to the serious hefty range thereby keeping you from finding out that’s how much you really weigh.

2) Hold onto the bathroom counter or door frame and then gently release after you’ve stepped onto the scale, thereby easing UP to your real weight. Repeat: Lift…and release — like kegels.

3) Squat on the scale (so you can see it without having to get your glasses) and try to balance long enough to see which line you are on before falling backwards onto the tile.

4) After getting back on the scale, do a few little knee bends in rapid succession to jiggle the scale and see if it gets stuck on a lower number.

5) Take a flying leap onto the scale to see if it can be shocked into submission.

6) Record the final products of all of the above, add them, and divide by five.

It looks like I can only claim a total six pound loss at this point. It’s hard to tell with my stupid scale. That means I’m still in the two pounds a week range, which is what I’m shooting for on the Phoodplan. Nothing exhilarating–just satisfying. I know some of you are still saying, “Why bother?” and I’m remembering that old tale about the Tortoise and the Hare. I’ll get there slowly but surely and pay attention to the non-numerical benefits of weight loss I’m learning:

  • Large cotton unmentionables fit a bit better in stretchy jeans now;
  • My knees don’t ache as much climbing the stairs to the office;
  • When pounding the streets, my shins no longer burn in agony;
  • Four miles + 45 minutes = sweat like a hog
  • I have duped myself into thinking that 3 orange or cherry-flavored prunes are candy and savor their juicy sweetness nightly;
  • A 2 oz. shot of red wine in lime-flavored mineral water tastes absolutely disgusting; and
  • If you add orange juice to this, the taste improves, but what’s the point because the whole concept is pathetic. And yes, I drank the whole glass.

Have I strayed from the Phoodplan? Not too badly. I have walked an average of five days each week (not seven) and have walked about 40 miles in three weeks!

I drink two cups of coffee (not one) and I’m feeling that caffeine buzz daily as I merrily update my blogs.

Portion control is going well, but it’s challenging to fit all that pasta in that small bowl unless I mash it with the back of a wooden spoon.

Wine on the weekends has been more than two 4 oz. glasses on two days — but not horrifically more (we haven’t resorted to straws in bottles again, yet).

And there will be more partying in Paradise this weekend for Easter. I haven’t figured out what Jesus has to do with parties and drinking wine…Oh, wait…“Bless me Jesus for I have sinned…” but know that it will be consumed, making it easier to filter out the crying baby and howling toddlers in our extended family. “Help me, Je-sus, Help me!”

Trick.



6 thoughts on “Weigh-In Methodology: 101”

  • I laughed out loud! When youn squat on the scales and then fall off is too funny!!! I suggest you buy a digital scale. I am sorry you didn’t lose more weight, but feel confident (as I eat chocolate Easter eggs) that you will have success by the time you reach Sept.
    The wine thing, OMG, reminded me of my boozin mom who when trying to “cut back” would melt peppermint candy in water in a highball glass and satisfy her need for the sugar alcohol turns to in the blood. So, you cannot fool your body. Time for another chocolate. Bye

  • Peppermint candy in water? Ewww. Can you pop an egg for me? I’m saving up for Red Velvet Cake this Saturday.

  • OMG that is so funny. I have the same type of scale ritual. I lean more towards the balls of my feet (my digital scale always reads lower that way), MUST line the scale up in the same place every time and religiously weigh myself 3 times – stark naked! Also, if the weight is higher the 2nd or 3rd time I just keep weighing myself (and leaning on the balls of my feet) til I get back to the lower #. Healthy practice huh …

    Oh Red Velvet Cake — I’m drooling already!!

  • Deb, I kind of figured someone out there would fess up on their scale dancing routines with this post. Thanks for stopping my my site. And the Red Velvet Cake? You’ll get to hear about it next Monday. Check back!

  • Shock it into submission.. hehe

    Taking it slow really is the best way to do it. Extremes always cause problems. 2 lbs. a week is awesome!

  • Thanks, Dave. I hope so. I seem to have a long range plan here, and that’s best for me. I’m feeling good about the whole thing and know it will work out. I just don’t want to be caught having unrealistic expectations. I appreciate your support!

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