Dooce to the Rescue

I’m holding the baby. I’m holding the baby and there’s a rather large spider — a hairy tarantula ambling clumsily over the uneven terrain of the blanket I seem to be tangled in. Trying not to show my alarm with any recognizable display of emotion, I tell my mom to take the baby, my eyes not quite leaving the arachnid, wondering whether it will reach me before I can ease away from its path.

Wait. Baby? What baby? Mom? What the hell is she doing here?

The spider — where did it go? There. I can feel it inching over my hair…my heart is pounding, and I know I won’t be able to contain my scream, already imagining my flight from bed and into the center of the room where I’ll have to thrash and flap, slap and wave to get the ugly thing from my head…

But there’s no spider either. There’s only the chill of the night air on my face and the film of moisture covering it. My scalp tingles, and my breathing settles as I orient myself to the now familiar surroundings. No spider, no baby, no mom. Just another hot flash. It’s only 3 am, so I lay very still, listening to the night sounds from outside, thinking about going back to sleep. Thinking about disconnected aspects of yesterday. Thinking about today. Thinking about closing my eyes.

But no. I think instead about my banner. About photoshop. About why the hell I can’t figure out how to do what I am trying to do. And then an hour into my thinking and wondering, and never quite cooling down after what feels like an eternity, I remember. Dooce has a tutorial I read some time ago on how she does her mastheads.

Eureka! I can’t lay around in bed now, waiting for sleep that will never come. It’s too hot, I’m drenched, and it’s only a matter of minutes before I begin to freeze. I don’t have to drive to my VBF’s house until 5:30 to walk, so I sneak out of bed, careful not to step on the Big who is snoring on her sad and stinky excuse for a pad, head downstairs to make coffee, and back up to the office to check out her — Dooce, not the Big — archives.  It’s 4:35.

In less than a minute, I’m there. It’s in the Friday, March 2nd post of this year. Her tutorial. Yes! But before I reread what I know will help me through my photoshop agony, I catch up on her latest posts while slugging down my first cup of coffee — which isn’t doing anything to cool the raging inferno that used to be my body.

So much for the crappy theory that exercise and alcohol deprivation helps reduce the intensity of hot flashes. Oh. I forgot. I’m supposed to give up coffee, too.

Uh…when pigs fly.





7 responses to “Dooce to the Rescue”

  1. So wait a minute now, lets go back to that dream of yours… hmm? Now, we can conclude from the presence of the spider AND your mother that… ^^

  2. Sheesh, Dave. You are so way ahead of me on this. I’m prepping for tomorrow as we speak. It’s all pretty hilarious -albeit interesting.

    Anything to avoid the banner — but I do have TWO windows open — one with dream stuff, and one with wordpress codex. I’m exercising my brain.

  3. This isn’t about your post sweetie. This is about your help….so here it is. Can you help me with something? I’ m trying to figure out my my Career Strategist blog which of my sections….is the “links” for the links that count….in other words are the website I recommend or Resident Sages the “links” portion of my blog So here’s what I need you to do for me. I deleted Kellementology from websites I recommend OK? What I want to do is have one section…not two. So can you check for me if you still have me linked into you on Career Strategist? If you do, then I know that I can take all the links off of Websites I recommend and put them into resident sages instead of having 2 sections……….I AM SERIOUSLY TECHNOLOGICALLY CHALLENGED DARLING AND I FIGURED YOU WOULD HELP ME…………..BECAUSE YOU GET ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  4. Oh and by the way……..I like the face portion better on the top of your blog……..I just think its cool! YOu might want to looks at Jax Designs sweetie……..that’s who I’m going to have design my stuff when I do it.

  5. Oh and another thing….I CAN READ THIS….I CAN SEE IT…………THANK YOU LOVE!!!!!!!!!!

  6. Hi Ev,
    I was just on Career Strategist yesterday and saw kellementology in the links section. I’ve been going back and forth on the whole idea of a blogroll on my site, so haven’t gotten around to changing anything there — I mean, there are links in my blogroll that I rarely visit, and others not there that I visit a lot.

    Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, the face is coming back. I’m working on the composite in Photoshop. The histrionics in my last couple of posts, right?

    And I’m glad you can read it — although my husband called from the office the other day and said the font on his computer was huge.

    The other thing I think people can’t see is the font of the kellementology. I have it in script, but I think yours comes out in Times, which I don’t care for. So the work continues.

    And although I appreciate the recommendation of the company you mentioned for my site, I’m determined to do my own. I believe I’ll get more satisfaction from it. Plus, I’ll learn something, and that’s what keeps me going in life. Learning.

  7. Do you have the link to the tutorial?

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