life according to me

life according to me

Macro Views: Avoidance

dandelion.JPG I have no energy today. No “get up and go.” It all got up and went. I’m not sure what has sucked it out of me, but I’m non-existent. Evaporated.

When I’m like this, I struggle to find humor in anything. I’m flat. Everything feels heavy and in need of microanalysis. Things that shouldn’t matter, matter. I don’t dare read the newspaper or I will find myself sobbing at my inability to help some poor soul in a country whose name I can’t pronounce. When I realize a funk is upon me, it’s too late. I can’t do anything to correct it. I meander. I drift from one task to another, my heart not rising to any worthwhile occasion. I clean up my email in box, filing and deleting. I give a weak effort at collecting a few things from the RT’s room while he’s away for the week, knowing I should thoroughly clean the entire place, but rationalize not doing it because it’s his room. Not mine.

Splash.JPG The patio and sunlight are a magnet, and I want to be outside so the soft breeze can soothe me; distract me from constructive activity. I take hold of my pruners and move from plant to plant, dead heading — snipping the spent blooms to encourage another round. They fall to the flagstones as I cut and scatter around the base of each pot. It’s quiet, contemplative work. Spider Eggs.JPG As my eyes focus on minute characteristics of my small garden and its population of tiny insects, my mind works to hone in on what is troubling me, because I know something is. French Lavender Bug.JPG It’s a game of sorts to decide how easily to acknowledge that I know what it is. Do I admit it to myself? Or do I immerse myself in the possibilities, all the while chastising myself for having anything at all worthwhile to be preoccupied with.

My camera usually comes out because it’s a good excuse to play with the macro setting which often finds objects I can’t see — even with my glasses on. Worm on a Daisy.JPG Some of what I find is lovely, even though few would admit to thinking a bug is beautiful. What I see in the images sparks a bit of wonder, curiosity, and effectively deters me from thinking about myself and whatever was on my mind. Polka dot Worm.JPG

I could use this time to sort through what’s troubling me, but I don’t have to. There isn’t a deadline, no one is waiting, and nothing will happen if I fail to pinpoint the annoyance. If I acknowledge what’s bothering me, I may have to rise to the occasion and take care of it. I don’t want to take care of it. My “Take Care of It” window is closed. I’m only now realizing that it may not ever open again and that I’ll just crouch behind the counter in the dark, waiting quietly for whomever knocks to go away.

Because I have to immediately see what I’ve aimed my tiny Canon at, I end up back at my monitor loading and examining the images. I turn up the volume on one of my play lists and begin my writing, thinking…and avoidance. Fiona Apple or Liz Story’s Night Sky Essays and “Valse d’Amelie” are perfect accompaniments to my thoughts, but today, they’re only encouraging my dreary mood. As is Elton John’s “Belfast.” Gardenia.JPG

I’m a laborious writer. I don’t have difficulty deciding what to write, or being motivated to write. I edit as I write, then review paragraphs and the entire text many, many times. I rarely write in a free thinking manner. Every comma, sentence fragment, run on, ellipsis or series of dashed phrases are thought about. Mulled over. Ridiculously.

The editing works wonders today because time passes, the songs on the play list change, and my sadness has shifted into an edgy kind of irritability. I’m annoyed. At least I’ll get something done now.

Hell, even the insects on the patio are being productive. Bug Sex.JPG

I’m lower on the food chain than a bug, not getting anything done.

But I’ll be out in that ocean today at 5PM, burning calories, and working my sore muscles, pretending like I want to have a different body than I do. One that I didn’t want when I had it. One that I didn’t want anyone to notice. Ever.

We’re supposed to want that, right?

Thinness.

Is that one of the rules? Mallow.JPG



10 thoughts on “Macro Views: Avoidance”

  • I’ve been funked up all week…
    I’m beginning to think it is a global issue, as every second person is going through the same vile flat spot.
    I have my own bunch of Issues, but I really do think it could be airborne, such is it’s prevalence…
    I do hope you pull out of it soon, Kellypea.

    I love bugs…and love your photos.
    And you are a remarkable woman indeed with all that swimming business you’re undertaking…phew!!

  • Minx, the swim fixed me up a bit. Nothing like choppy salt water smacking me upside the head to knock the self-pity out of me. I’m exhausted. Maybe that’s the ticket for our ailments…

  • Miz Pea: I think the funk must be female/lunar related, cause it’s overwhelming me in recent days too. Your description of the nagging thing and the avoidance dance is right on. I am proud of the swimming, though. Good things will come of it, and I don’t mean the thinness -that’s secondary to the other, important, real stuff coming around the corner. If I wasn’t so exhausted from being disgusted about work and life, maybe I’d see it more clearly.

  • I love you VGF. You are THE graceful human. People like you are why I feel so ridiculous when I’m down. You have so much more going on that I no longer have in my life. The swimming is good. We’ll have to get out our goggles, too, so we can see the fish and the rays, too. Ewwww……!!!!!!

  • ((((((Kel)))))))) I can relate to that all too well. I’m sorry you’re feeling that way. My way with words has escaped me the last few days. I have bouts with my writing in the same way you do. Which is why my posts have been rather sporadic this month. I hate it. I should just go with it. STOP EDITING (that’s a note to myself I’m not yelling at you lol)

    I posted something you may find enjoyable? To help you get out of the funk? It’s spontaneous and light hearted (or that’s its intention anyway) If you’d like to give it a try feel free to play along on my blog and snag it for yours too 🙂

  • Hey Goldy! Thanks for stopping by to enjoy the photos. Digital photography makes it all so much more simple, don’t you think?

    Hi Loon, I think I hit your site late last night and had to turn in. I’ll head back today since my head’s a bit more clear. Thanks for stopping by and letting me know about the feed. I’ll check it out.

  • “I’m a laborious writer. I don’t have difficulty deciding what to write, or being motivated to write. I edit as I write, then review paragraphs and the entire text many, many times. I rarely write in a free thinking manner. Every comma, sentence fragment, run on, ellipsis or series of dashed phrases are thought about. Mulled over. Ridiculously.”

    THATS BECAUSE YOU ARE AN AWESOME WRTER.

    I find that when I feel FLAT its usually just PMS and goes away in a few days!~ (hope thats the case)

  • Meleah, I wish I could say it was PMS, but my equipment has been gone for about 7 months now. The lack of hormones keep me sizzling, but I don’t have mood swings like I used to. So who the hell knows what it is. Evidently, a few others out there are dealing with it too.

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