life according to me

life according to me

Enough on the penis SPAM, already.

I am no stranger to men’s anatomy. *oh, really? and we thought you ended up with three boys by immaculate reception after three hail marys…* I grew up with a brother, not quite two years younger than myself, and along with our younger sister, had to sit in three inches of tepid bath water each night until I was about seven. If you knew my mother, you’d understand the time-saving, environmental, and financial sagacity of this particular routine.

To further expound on my familiarity with those meaty appendages found on the nether regions of men, I’ve been nearly the sole female in my home, not counting dogs and cats, snakes or guinea pigs, for more years than I need to count on a Friday morning.

Factor in that I have taught Sex Education to adolescents once a year for nearly ten years, and can position the diagram of a penis on an overhead projector in a room full of boys and girls faster than you can say “Voila!” ignore their snickers, snorts, and audible ughs of despair with the expressionless face of authority?

As I said, I get it.

But could someone please tell me what “penis pills” are? Although I’ve been quite efficient with the on-going spam I’ve been getting lately regarding male anatomy, this one has me flummoxed. Usually I’m more than cautious about noting that I do not know anyone named Caroline Messer, or Juanita Woodruff even though they are attempting to familiarize themselves with me. And at this point, I’m not sure I’d like to know either of these “females” because one email indicates that “she” may have a few anatomical appendages that I lack. I wouldn’t quite know how to break the news to her that if I took her advice and “whipped out [my] improved, giant [wonder],” not only would my friends be less than “charmed,” the MoH would pass out knowing I had way too much time on my hands…

It’s easy to delete this nonsense, and have a few chuckles about the spambots that send it out. How sad that the pathetic machines can’t get women from men sorted out, and just click and whir along each day, happily sending emails. Hasn’t anyone in SpamLand Inc. gotten the memo that Friday is an Email-Free Day? It’s so unfortunate that they can’t even get my name correct, leaving me to pity the addressee, “Fabianiwamba,” and am left to puzzle over what his mother was thinking when she named him — er — his appendage, perhaps?

But penis pills?

I know. I should have been able to figure this out, because clearly, everyone else has, and quite some time ago. Whatever. Perhaps I’ve led a much more sheltered existence than I may have thought. Um…and do they work? Sorry, insatiable curiosity.

But there’s good news. This morning, I read that the condom industry will no longer have to deal with complaints about their product being “one size fits all.”

Fascinating, isn’t it?

If this doesn’t mean there should be national cause for celebration, I don’t know what does.

Perhaps “The Science of Knots Unraveled?”

I could have written about that instead, but I’m not an expert on knots… Digital Knot Drawings:  Credit to Dorian Raymer, UCSD



13 thoughts on “Enough on the penis SPAM, already.”

  • LMAO I just wrote a post about this kind of spam yesterday! LOL, ohhhhh it’s like we’re sharing a brain!

    I feel so sorry for you, being a part of my brain. You poor child. ahahahahaha

  • I’d really like to figure out how to send those spambots a virus or maybe they could get crabs or something! Now, as a male, I really wonder who in their right mind would expect a pill, lotion or other such thing to expand one’s genitalia! Like, how does it know? What if it got things mixed up and thought your nose was the spot to grow? Or your upper lip? Or one arm? Wouldn’t that be something! With seven children, I’ve the anatomy thing pretty much figured out. Shouldn’t they have a way to tell “No use sending one to this address. Waste of spam.” Again, how come the spambots never get a virus and take a day off?

  • Hey Jo, I got to read yours, and I have to say, your flair topped mine. But we are getting similar spam. Rude…

    Cooper, You’re quite the logical thinker — maybe she cook for you…make feel good. Dunno. Could be a deal.

    Hey Kelly — It’s been a while! I love the point about a larger other part of one’s anatomy. Excellent. I think with respect to the spam taking a day off, it’s supposed to get quite a bit worse. I just read an article about the infiltration of viruses or worms that take over our computers unbeknownst to us and turn them into spambots. Poor things. Seven children. My goodness dinnertime at your house must be quite the hoot!

  • RJ. I think you’re on to something there. But doesn’t it make it all better that he has the Nobel Prize now? Maybe we’ll have classy spam from now on, instead of right out of the can.

  • hey Kelly, I am going to be perfectly candid with you as you are obviously a woman of the world and vastly experienced and unshockable – I actually own a ‘meaty appendage’ (usually found on the menu for people with small appetites) and yet I am unable to shed light on the penis pill industry. I am wondering whether the pill is given directly to the penis or whether, indeed, the name refers to a pill which is penis shaped allowing the taker to choose at each dose whether to swallow or spit.

    I do however know a great deal about knots

  • Um..gross? And I’m about as “worldly” as Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm. Actually, my jaw’s dropped to the desk top at this point and I’m…uh…wordless. And I’ll let you know about the knots. You know. Just in case.

  • Oh I’ve had to laugh at this!!
    From the tepid bathwater with my younger brother to the absence of other females in my very male dominated household to the intrusion of penis pills from someone called Rosaria Grunter, I seem to live in a world suspiciously like yours with it’s accent on the sausage and it’s derivative – the spam.

    I mean, really, does someone called Claire – or slinky minx – sound like she needs to “satisfy her fully fjgyh” or “get a larger p1n7s tonight”.

    Enough already..

  • OH MY GOD.

    this has to be one of the better anti spam / penis posts around the universe……

    Please, I cannot tell you how much time I spend deleting deleting deleting these emails and blog comments… thank god for that spam folder…. ugh

  • LOL! Great post! I have always found very odd/funny that I get tons of “penis-spam” but no “boob-spam” at all…and my email address is clearly that of a BRA?? Dumb robots!!
    Hey, thanks for letting me pull up a chair to your table…I like it here! 🙂
    ~Olga, the Traveling BRA (get that you dumb robots?!?)

  • Yanno, Olga, I’ve never thought about whether I’ve gotten boob-spam or not, but now that you mention it, no. That’s another whole post if you ask me! And you’re always welcome. Just hunker on down.

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