Is this Day 5 of NaBloPoMo? Jeez. Are we having fun yet? It has served one purpose thus far. I’ve corrected my time/date stamp and so now it’s actually correct! Amazing. Too bad nothing else is. Well, except my letter writing, which continues today and is sponsored by: Milk Bone Dog Biscuits…
November 5, 2007
Dear Neighbor Lady,
I’m sorry I don’t know your name, although there’s no real reason I should. I’ve seen your house on my walking circuit for the past couple of years now, and outside of its very verdant landscaping, its situation at the end of the block, and what must be a spectacular view, it blends in with all the others. And I’ve only seen you outside once in all that time, carefully avoiding making eye contact as I passed, even though I was ready to say hello and smile, practicing good neighborlyhoodness.
Of course, that was until you attached the sign to the front of your garage door.
It only took a few seconds to glance around and notice that you had just finished adding upgrades to your driveway and the retaining wall surrounding the rear of your home. Although the stone, which appears to be a type of limestone is new and attractive, it isn’t something I’d choose (the flecks of ore that glisten in the afternoon sun are a bit gauche), it is an improvement over the concrete and stucco that it replaced, and I’m sure your neighbors appreciate the added value to their property and have already checked with their realtors to obtain comps and analyze possible gains that they may brag to one another about incessantly.
What exactly were you thinking when you wrote that sign? And what grievous error had someone committed? Surely it isn’t the eight million service and delivery people who crawl in and around our area throughout every day. Or the landscape maintenance trucks. I’ve noticed they only park alongside the curb, and never in a driveway. Was it the errant traveler, looking for a particular address who became lost and needed to use your driveway to turn around? And if so, did said lost soul make the mistake of turning the wheels of his car at a standstill, thereby making black rubber skid marks on the pristine stone intricacy of your driveway?
I’ve wondered as I’ve walked by, and imagined you out there, down on your knees, compulsively scrubbing at the marks. Wait. No. I’ve gotten that wrong. Standing over someone you hired to scrub away the offending black marks.
In any event, clearly, you antagonized someone out there in the world. Someone who just couldn’t let a sleeping dog lie. Someone who just had to pick up that bone you threw in your driveway. Someone who came in the night, in the dark, and most likely had their particular brand of fun marring the perfectly arranged stones in your driveway. How could you not know that there are people in this world who live for those opportunities? Who thrive on what you may as well have just invited them to do.
Perhaps a better sign might have been: “To the Jerks in the World. Please vandalize my new driveway. I paid so much money for it, and it’s so beautiful, I think you should break your neck to figure out a way to destroy it. Please hurry.” Yes, your neighbors might have thought you crazy, just as they most likely do because you put a sign on your garage. But still.
It must have been a mess, because I can see where the sealant has been eaten away by whatever caustic substance was used to remove whatever the vandals poured on it to damage the stone work. I imagine it’s paint, as it’s a favorite of the
stupid entitled as*h*les adolescent pranksters who toss it out of their cars at night onto the freeway so oncoming cars can drive through it, not realizing they have, and then the next day when it’s too late, find a Jackson Pollack design all over the wheel area of their cars. That is, of course, less harmful that the ones who throw large rocks from their cars into the windshields of oncoming traffic. But still.
And then you put up the second sign. I’d have never known anything had happened if the first sign hadn’t been there, because the driveway actually looks fine. The stone looks as stone should; it’s coarse and not very shiny. You know, like the stones in the roads in Europe that have lasted hundreds of years with all kinds of traffic and weather, war, and general use.
What were you thinking? And how long will you leave the sign on your house, causing everyone to wonder what you’re really about?
Take it down, and give yourself a rest.
p.s. I certainly hope that you do not have a bumper sticker adhered to your car that cautions others to not tail gate.