Not Quite Q & A

I’m disgusted.

Well, at least right now I am.  I’m supposed to be doing my work and I’m doing this instead.  It’s because I don’t want to do my work.  I figure I did work at home for 20 years and that was enough.  I want to enjoy my life, my home and my family.  I don’t want anything else to interfere with those things after working hours.  And yes, I deserve that.

At what point in life is one satisfied?  At what point do we accept who and what we are?  That we’ve done what we’re supposed to have done and be over it.

I’d love to say I’m satisfied.  But life is like being in a candy store.  There’s always a brightly colored new sweet dangling in front of me and it’s distracting.  Isn’t that the point?  Are we really supposed to waste time convincing ourselves that THIS is all there is?  Of course I know everything’s relative, but my satisfaction has nothing to do with having more in a tangible sense.  It’s more about having an opportunity to (insert a dissertation here).

I don’t know which end is up.  I don’t know who I am any more, nor what I’m supposed to do.

I’m sure someone out there can tell me this is really all randomness.  That all this energy put into trying to figure things out is just a waste of time.  In fact, I’m sure there are hundreds who have written books about it.  They end up on Oprah and are famous for a minute or two.  And then they end up like the rest of us.

It’s pathetic.

It’s really not pathetic.  I just feel like I’m supposed to think that because I want to beat others to the punch.

Nothing makes sense.

Actually, everything always makes sense, and I’m tired of it.






6 responses to “Not Quite Q & A”

  1. Hi Kelly,
    What’s scary is that all makes sense to me! 🙂

    As a kid I always wondered when I wouldn’t like a certain type of music anymore. Then that day came. Then I wondered when I wouldn’t play certain sports anymore and that day came.

    So I guess what I’m trying to say is with every “death” there’s a new beginning waiting.

    And for creative people like yourself, that’s a huge motivator to keep moving forward.

    Sure we love our families and friends, but that creative sustenance is pretty damn tasty!!

    Bring Back Pluto

  2. Okay, well, this all makes PERFECT sense to me.

    I ‘waste’ countless hours doing things I’m not supposed to be doing because I simply ENJOY doing them. I cant go through my life like a robot. I need to explore all of my passions.

    But I am also at a place in my life where I don’t know WHAT to do with myself. I dont know who I am, or what I want to be, and I feel like I need to hurry uo and figure that out already.

  3. Hang in there. This sort of melancholy questioning usually yields awesome results. /hugs.

  4. You had a 2 year vacation from work and you had fun doing the things you enjoy. You absolutely have to make the decision to be happy no matter the sacrifice. If I were with you and said that I would get a piece of your mind. I’m just saying in a perfect world……..

    1. I’m not unhappy. That I choose to use this space to be sarcastic or maudlin, angry, or unaccepting, questioning or restless is important to me. I don’t do it often now, so when I do, sunshine and rainbows are most not likely to surface. Think about it. It’s so much more difficult to “listen” to another person who’s mulling over something when one is content with what he or she has, isn’t it?

  5. Amy

    There is a country song about every end being a new beginning for something else …. and you never loose what you learned in those previous lessons.

    You are back to work for a reason, and not forever, just for now, until your next beginning – taking along the lessons (and your new photo box and your love of cooking and salads and photography and writing, and time with yourself and your family and your books….) You are back doing something that you can make a difference, something that you are good at no matter how much you might doubt that difference.

    If it makes you feel any better, I am going through a ‘what am I going to do with myself NOW’ that that kids are both going to be in school, even though it’s just preschool, they will both be out of the house for hours a day and i am stuck home doing ….? What, laundry, cooking, cleaning, ironing, making the family dinner at 9AM? What am I going to do when they are full time in a few years? Do I find a money tree, go back to school for photography? Or suck it up and figure out how (and if I want) to teach again?

    Sometimes I feel like a gerbil on a wheel going nowhere. Fast, yet ever so slow.

    Yikes – sorry, if this doesn’t make sense. 🙂
    HUGS to you – do the best that you can and be happy for it. Enjoy the wine and the senseless TV before 8PM and keep work at work and enjoy your homelife and family.

    xo 😉

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