life according to me

life according to me

Dog Days and Torpidity

Dog Days and Torpidity

August is two weeks away, but the dog days have already arrived.

It was early June when I noticed them edging into my morning rituals: I forget to step outside for that first, fresh breath of damp air; organizing the kitchen and my thoughts for the day while waiting for my coffee is hit and miss; and spending enough time on the patio to enjoy whatever is blooming happens when I get around to it. I can’t remember the last time I took a good and long early morning walk.

I can’t blame Orion and his dog star, Sirius, as they haven’t yet risen above the eastern horizon in our pre-dawn sky. I was well awake this morning and might have stepped out back to see if it was there, but didn’t. The stairs creak, I tell myself. I’ll wake my husband, the cat will want out. The dog will think it’s time to wake up. It’s easier to lie in the dark and hope sleep takes over before the sky lightens. Or before the dark thoughts creep in as they always seem to in the night, and I have to reach for my iPad for the distraction. I look up what’s in the current night sky.

Sirius won’t be visible in my corner of the world until the end of August, a time more consistent with what many relate to the dog days. Blazing heat, stagnant air, and a sense of suspended time permeate each day. That this happens when the rest of the Northern Hemisphere is beginning to enjoy cool, crisp mornings, perhaps air laced with the hint of a wood fire, or leaves beginning their yearly transformation from verdant uniformity to a riotous blaze of crimson, gold and rust, is cruel. We will have two more months of summer ahead–sometimes more. Last year a heat wave well into November had us sweltering in temperatures reaching the 90s. 

If you take the time to look up “dog days”, definitions can range from “the hot, sultry period of summer between early July and early September” to “a period marked by inactivity”. Lethargy and indolence are also used to describe dog days.

Indolence: the quality or state of being indolent–slow, inactive, sluggish, torpid.

Torpid: apathetic or dormant, as a hibernating or estivating animal.

Estivate: to spend the summer, as at a specific place or in a certain activity

Those are the type of dog days I’ve been experiencing. I’m estivating. I’ve been estivating since last December. I’m at a specific place in my mind which is very different from the reality of my days. I wonder if it’s part of aging, yet I don’t feel old. I wonder if I’m bored or if I need a new hobby. I tell myself I’ll finish this project, or that, that I’ll clean the junk drawers, or redo our closet. I should call the carpet cleaners, wrap up the old china and send it away. Do something constructive. Yet I spend a lot of time staring out windows. I drift from room to room picking up and putting away with no particular purpose other than getting out of the chair I’m sitting in right now. The window is open behind the screen I’m watching letters and words appear on as I write, and a pleasant breeze causes the wind chime suspended from the curtain rod to ring occasionally. I watch people walking along the street on the other side of the wall, people on bikes out enjoying the day. I tell myself I should be out there as well.

 Should I learn to speak French, or simply improve my Spanish? I could do what I once thought I might and cook my way through any of my cookbooks. Just choose one and begin. The list I made in January of bright ideas lies on my desk just to the left where I can see it. Only four of the 26 items I listed have been crossed off. To be fair, most are related to taking care of our house; it’s an ongoing job to repair or replace something in the 16 years we’ve lived here. And the four items I’ve crossed off are some of the more pleasant. I suppose I’m not motivated to check off any of the others because they’re inconvenient (replacing carpeting upstairs), they’re humdrum (touching up baseboards), or rate on the interest scale as being even with watching paint dry (going through old paper files). 

When I read this back to myself, it sounds as if I’m simply lazy, but I know I’m not. Give me something interesting to do and I will engage until I drop. I’ll enjoy it, too. But if that’s the case, then why do I have so many projects unfinished? A novel in mid-restructuring. A gallery of photos to print and frame for hanging. A book of old family photos I promised to my sister and brother. I have too many interests and no deadlines and so from one day to the next, I’m left to decide for myself whether I want to do something in particular. Right now, I don’t. I’m not interested in anything for a sustained period of time. This is also evident in what I choose to read; a perfectly good book sits on my nightstand with less than twenty pages left to read. It’s been sitting for more than a month. I remember days that I’d avoid things I had to take care of just to finish a book. Photos of a recent trip sit on my external hard drive, only partially edited. This is probably more telling than anything else I’ve mentioned.

I feel suspended in time, unable to stay focused for any length. And on the odd day that I do find myself lost in a task, inevitably something interferes. Usually something insignificant. Something that distracts just long enough that I look at the clock and tell myself I should get on with my day. Go to the market. Get something to prepare for dinner.

I’ve heard that we reach peaks in our lives. There’s a tipping point, and then everything changes. I think this actually happens more than once in life and that sometimes it’s caused by circumstances we cannot control. Others seem wholly reliant upon our ability to seize the day. To make the changes we want in our lives. I’ve experienced this many times in my own life, most often making the decision to change myself. What is different now, is that the change I desire depends on another. And it is far from being a simple change. It resembles a complex array of dominoes.

And so I wait. I wait and try to sort out how to spend my time. The days pass, and I look ahead. I ignore the mantras others seem so content to embrace. “Live in the moment!” “Today is all we have!” “You only live once!”

But I’m hibernating. I’m planning for tomorrow knowing full well that it may take much longer to get here than I have to enjoy it.  I count the years ahead, imagine who I’ll be, how I’ll feel. Whether I have the right to assume I have the time. That’s what stuns me.

I look out the window once more, notice the sunlight bouncing off the shiny new growth on the carrotwood trees and decide I need to get up.

I’ll clean the kitchen, go to the market, then get ready to make dinner.

Tomorrow is another day.

 

 



8 thoughts on “Dog Days and Torpidity”

  • Nicely written. I understand all of it and feel a lot of it too. I lack the education to put it in writing so eloquently. I think that’s why I keep working at my “job.” It keeps my mind off of coming up with a hobby only to find out I am not interested in anything but traveling. An endless vacation….

    • Thank you, Lori. That means a lot to me. <3 It will be interesting to see how we solve this and where we go. The endless travel sounds wonderful.

  • All you can do is listen to your inner calling. You can’t force it. This has been a big year for you with a lot on your plate . When you feel the urge,do. When you don’t ,don’t beat yourself up. Plus there are so many wordly distractions, it’s hard to stay on track and motivated.

    • Thanks very much, Courtney. Sage words! It feels like I haven’t had anything on my plate and I think that’s part of the problem. I tend to think, oh, that’s just part of life and roll with it. You get it. Yes, the worldly distractions aren’t helping and it’s difficult to tune them out–especially when two of my favorite activities involve sitting at a computer.

  • Summer vacations when I was little, I used to watch my gallop across the house, going from window to window, just looking out.
    I kind of feel like that now… like I’m sort of caught in an endless loop of looking out at a moving world, but inside, I’m stuck in amber. I, too, have fallen out of my fresh routines and all those good things which inject liveliness and consciousness into my days. It feels, in some ways, that I’ve wandered a long way from myself, and, looking back over the vast distance, it feels improbable and exhausting to imagine getting back…

    Part of it, of course, is the national conversation, which is, frankly, exhausting. It steals the breath and life from everything else. Another thing is that it takes much longer to recover emotionally from a medical experience than we realize… our bodies may have made some peace with us, but our minds feel betrayed for a long, long time…

    …but I have to believe that there is an end in sight. A doorway, maybe, that will appear and give me a shortcut back to the inner workings of this clock, and getting it ticking along again.

    Here’s hoping, anyway. And, I wish the same for you.

    • “…wandered a long way from myself…” I can feel that so clearly. And yes, it is exhausting to think about. The national conversation and its relentlessness is definitely part of it. Sometimes the doorway you mention is there all along and it’s been overlooked. Or like you’ve said, recovery needs all our strength and focus. Perhaps the timing isn’t quite right yet and giving in to the need to mentally and physically wander is purposeful. Sending good vibes your way for better times soon. Thank you always, for stopping by.

  • My “Writing Wednesday” initiative is, quite honestly, going poorly. I’ve tried to reschedule it or shorten it from an entire, luxurious day of thinking and making sense out of my life, to half a day or several dedicated hours. But I seem to always come up against some unmovable or unavoidable barrier to having this “me time” that I’m convinced I need in order to continue to feel sane, creative and relevant to my own life. I’ll keep plugging away to find a way to achieve this goal; in the meantime, it’s proving very frustrating.

    On a related note, just yesterday I was looking back over a list of topics upon which I’ve wanted to blog for several months now and the one that leapt off the page at me was, “Write head vs heart blog post.” Sigh. The struggle is there daily for me – delayed, set aside, interrupted by the things I need to do to keep the mechanics of life going around here. Not that I don’t love my work but there are times when frankly, my heart and a good portion of my mind are elsewhere. Maybe it is a phase of life. Maybe it is the emotionally trying times in which we’re living. Maybe it’s that creativity doesn’t (thankfully) go down without a fight. Whatever it is, I recognize what you’ve identified here in my own life.

    I wish that I had some sage advice to help you over the hurdles you’re facing. But all I can do is tell you I feel you, Sister. I hear you and recognize how painful it is to want things to be different but for them to remain the same. My hope is that you find a path that will bring you closer to your true inner self. Sending love, my friend.

    • Thank you, Gina. Your words always have just the right effect. I’m sorry that you’re not finding the time you want so much to write. I was very excited when you said you were going to be setting the time aside. But I get it. If I can say things get in the way of my simple day to day goings on, then sadly, I know yours are ever present. One of the things I’m thinking of trying is to actually treat this space as a sort of journal. To try not to fuss so much with my writing, but to get whatever is on my mind each morning committed to a post. Some may be more involved than others, they may connect from one day to the next, or not at all. Bear in mind I’m saying this and it’s already late in the afternoon. I’ll try, though. Maybe.

      As for my hurdles, they’re self-constructed. I either have to lower them, or go around. I’m working on that. Sending love right back, dear lady.

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