life according to me

life according to me

Dear Mr. Gynecologist…

As Toto and Dorothy continue along the long and winding road on their NaBloPoMo journey, Dorothy has gotten snippy, and Toto has begun to look longingly at her ankles, imagining what they might taste like, and just how loudly she’d scream if he chomped firmly on one…

November 20, 2007

Dear Mr. Gynecologist Doctor Person:

Reminder I just received your reminder in the mail about my annual check-up. Damn. I thought you’d have forgotten about me since I only saw you a few times. What a pleasant surprise that you remembered me! Although I must commend you for the stereotypical tasteful predictable pink fuchsia gerbera on the cover and pleasant sans serif font, it doesn’t diminish the fact that I absolutely HATE and am completely TERRIFIED of rarely look forward to taking care of this particular business.

I know. It’s necessary. And I did promised myself that after last winter, I’d take better care of myself.

But you made some adjustments last December, remember? Removed everything? There’s not a single girlie organ left. Not. One. Nada. If you knocked on my abdomen, it would most likely sound like a watermelon. Perfectly hollow.

Okay, so there are still a few other types of guts left in there. But still.

So, uh, I’m wondering just how you go about this favorite check up of mine. You know, the one I successfully avoided for more than five years which is why you had to relieve me of my equipment? Yes, that checkup.

How exactly does one have a PAP smear when one has no cervix? No uterus? Zippo ovaries? Hmmm…? I mean, think about it. You take your car to the garage for a tune up, you lift the hood, and whoops! There’s no trannie. No carburator. Hell, the engine is even missing. So what do you do? Shine things up a bit? Steam wash it? Make sure everything’s squeakin’ clean?

I can see having to go if a tune up is in order, but what exactly will you tune?

I don’t like that table with the motorized end portion. Or the stirrups. And I absolutely detest that light whose brightness resembles the ones they use when they work on freeways in the dead of night allowing anyone interested to see all the way to China without their glasses. Bright. Yanno?

But what I’m completely freaked out about is that you’re going to poke at my scars. You’re going to push on my abdomen. They not only still bother me, they creep me out, and I’m already wincing, just thinking about it.

Completely disgusting.

So I hope you don’t mind that I’ll just put this off a bit until I adjust to the idea of having missing equipment checked and hearing you say, “Yup. It’s still gone.” or “Need anything else adjusted?” And I won’t know how to respond since it’s difficult for me to tell when things are wrong with my body. I’m just not good at it. Well, unless it’s my left elbow which is completely screwed up right now. But you aren’t an elbow man, are you?

What I’d really like to say about this check up is, “Let’s not and say we did. ‘Kay?”

Okay, fine. So are there any bars near your office then? I’ll knock a few back before I get there. Well it sounds better for this situation than sipping wine and nibbling on a salad. Don’t expect me to be able to actually stay on that table once I get there, though. Okay?

Mortified,

Me

p.s. And I don’t want to hear ANYTHING about not taking my hormones. Got it?

p.p.s. I know. There’s no whining, either. Whatever.



11 thoughts on “Dear Mr. Gynecologist…”

  • As usual you have spitting coffee… I swore I wouldn’t drink and read at the same time! This was absolutely hilarious but I can’t help but wonder now too…. what the hell can he possibly be checking? I never thought about that before… maybe he’s checking to make sure your equipment didn’t grow back!

  • I kinda like visiting my gynecologist. he’s rather cute.

    I like to f*** with his head by wearing a corset.

    hey I’m a widow now, where else should I be getting my kicks?

  • Dawn, a bit o’ coffee on your monitor is a very good thang, girl! And see? I’m not the only one thinking that’s just strange. It better not have grown back. I’m not missing it one bit.

    Hey Dave. In your next life, you get to be female. I’ve already got my request in for the male equipment instead of female.

    Paisley — so funny you brought up Candid Camera. We were just talking about that. I vaguely remember the one with the car that had no engine. What I remember is the traffic cop on the old version. Totally hilarious!

    Yah, meleah, great minds dislike the same things. Plus you have your share of doctors in general…

    nursemyra, you would wear a corset to a checkup. Did you hear about the lady who freshened up before her visit with a wash cloth her daughter had gotten glitter on? The GYN was greeted by sparkly nether regions…

  • I’m with Robert. Ever notice how many sick people there are around doctors. I totally disdain the whole concept of modern medicine. Uh, dread of dreads. And they’ve called women the weaker sex.

  • Hey Robert — clearly I haven’t “frequented” the establishment too often in my life. But they don’t creep me out as much as dentists. Those people win hands down. But I suck it up and go. It would be challenging to be the foodie that I am without teeth. Yanno?

    Hey Phil — Hmmm…suffice it to say that being the lone female in my family, I already had that figured out. Funny!

    Hey Mom, Crack, indeed. Fun seeing you guys in iChat last night!

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